The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
nice challenge
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
mechanics be like
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
How dude HOW?!
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges