me when i see my girls butt
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Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful