She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
You Might Also Like
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Sticker placement is key.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
🖤✌🏽
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.