One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
congratulations to them
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you