schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake