Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
yall want some gasoline milk
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
doing your own taxes
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts