I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
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TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Meanwhile in Portland…
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard