United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
So we got a goldfish…
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”