You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
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tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Cannot stop laughing at this
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.