Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
You Might Also Like
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
ok this is my dumbest yet
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel