I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Not all heroes wear capes.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.