The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
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McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Is this you?
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.