95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
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If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
everyone has that one prude friend
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.