this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
You Might Also Like
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.