In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
You Might Also Like
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you