I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
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My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Phones down.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.