The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
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I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!