The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.