Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
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Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.