You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
You Might Also Like
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.