ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
being a writer on Twitter:
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Everyone’s family
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”