THE AUDACITY. 😤
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“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Many hands make light work
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My what?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose