[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
You Might Also Like
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun