Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?