I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
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We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.