I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
You Might Also Like
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
no
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.