*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
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[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!