If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
You Might Also Like
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL