Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.