host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
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The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Well, this is awkward
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.