yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
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Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
what does he know…
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies