it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
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Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
The two types of wives
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot