CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
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Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.