12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
kids play hide and seek like
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
adding to the discourse