In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.