Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was