student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police