Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.