Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
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I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.