True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My dad teaching me to drive
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.