1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
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just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs