A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
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*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
We decided to have money instead of children.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
o shit
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
🍛
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy