My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
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i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Canadian owl: Eh?