Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
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Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My what?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.