SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
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Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Something Saturday.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Coffee for people with no kids
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?