BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
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I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well