Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
smartest karate player in the world
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Yup.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Thoughts
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?