“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
You Might Also Like
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect