Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
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I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom