My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
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I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.